If the critical reviews of any Kevin James movie are any indication, our culture as a whole feels they are above fart jokes. On the other hand, if the box office returns of any Kevin James movie are any indication, our culture as a whole is completely full of shit. We love fart jokes. Sure, we may be able to stay straight faced in front of our cousins in the theater during the holidays when our families decide they’d rather watch a grown man fart than force conversation anymore, but an impromptu fart in real life is enough to make anybody laugh. And nothing causes an impromptu fart like a dramatic tensing of muscles. So, just in time for Thanksgiving, here’s a list of eight fighters I think are most likely to accidentally fart while securing a submission.
7. Brock Lesnar
Pre-diverticulis Brock was a man with an all meat diet that made for truly potent flatulence. In theory his now veggie infused diet should calm down his digestive track, but I for one am not buying it. After years of neglect, his stomach just isn’t ready to break down cellulose. In my personal experience farts are just as likely to come from fruit as red meat, and I would imagine Brock is finding this out the embarrassing way. I’m almost certain Carwin got a whiff of Brock’s new diet when he tapped to that arm triangle.
6. Chael Sonnen
Sonnen is a passionate fighter who takes losses hard. And considering nine of his eleven losses have come by way of submission, Chael takes submissions hard. Few fighters have looked as downtrodden and emotionally beaten as Chael did after his loss to Anderson. Chael doesn’t fart while he’s securing a submission, but the shear emotional gutting he feels as he gets subbed probably causes his whole body to relax as his psyche collapses. And that’s just plain unfortunate for his opponents.
5. Matt Brown
I don’t really have any reasoning on this one besides that Brown just seems like a farter to me. Matt, if you’re reading this I’m sorry. I don’t really mean it as an insult. He just seems like a guy that farts.
4. Clay Guida
Clay Guida is a caveman. That’s not just a nickname, but an anthropological hypothesis. He has the long unkempt hair, the pronounced brow, and the seemingly inhuman gas tank. It only seems logical that he would have flatulence to go with it. His burp during the Kenny Florian fight only feeds my suspicions.
3. Shinya Aoki
Aoki doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy that would fart accidentally during a submission attempt, but out of pure malice. It wouldn’t be enough for him to break an opponents arm, they’d also have to breathe in his stink. Can’t you just imagine a translated Aoki quote like this to surface: “At first I grab his arm and I hear him scream quietly. But it not enough! He stay tough and I think ‘Ok, now this become death fight!’ His will strong, so I unleash my stink demons! He soon tap!”
2. Roy Nelson
I don’t mean to make another Roy Nelson fat joke here, he has that category on lock. I just can’t imagine eating that many Triple Whoppers with cheese and not have it come back to haunt you when you are working your way into a crucifix. Little known fact, the controversial Arlovski stand-up was due to the fact that the ref could no longer stand to bend face first into Roy’s cloud of stink.
1. Tim Sylvia
Admit it, you knew Timmy was going to be number one. Simply put, Tim Sylvia’s sphincter is demonstrably weaker than Andrei Arlovski’s chin. I’m going to spare all of you any strained pants pooping jokes.